This is me trying

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Have you heard this song called This is Me Trying by Taylor Swift? It’s lyrics

I was so ahead of the curve.

The curve became a sphere.

Fell behind all my classmates.

And I ended up here.


Currently, I feel I resonate with these lyrics so much. I feel like I have been standing still, and time has been slipping away. I feel like I am stuck in 2023, even though the entire world is moving on to 2024. I feel disoriented and perplexed in this whirlpool of time. 

Where did all of my 2023 go? 

I'm not sure.

I feel I accomplished nothing that year, even though I accomplished so much. I feel unfulfilled. I feel there was more to accomplish in 2023.

I still remember December 31, 2022, when I was thinking about all this chemistry, physics, and math. I was excited about how all of this study would be over by December 31st, 2023. Somewhere, I was hoping I could skip that year all together if possible because I knew how difficult this year was going to be. What I would do is go back to that date again. What I would give is to go through 2023 once again. 

For me, 2023 was a challenging year. It made me realise that I might not always achieve my goals in life. I learned to be okay with failing. I cried countless nights worrying about my crippling future. I studied for hours on end, but I still managed to mess up the actual exams. I watched films from colleges for hours on end, overanalyzing everything.

My mind was definitely mentally taxed by 2023. I feel perplexed and anxious about how strange and volatile 2023 went. I watch folks sharing about how wonderful their year was, but I don't feel I have any pretty memories from 2023. 2023 was all about self-doubt for me. I hated the year 2023. In spite of everything, if I get a chance, I will relive it all again.

What would I change about 2023? Nothing, not even the incident where I puked twice while taking a college entrance exam. Not even the fact that I failed to fill out an important college form and then cried for hours. I won't change a thing.


2023 made me believe I was unreliable and that I betrayed my own aspirations. I doubted my decisions and my capacity to believe in myself.

How can people expect me to trust others if I am having a hard time trusting myself?

When I'm confused about where I am in my own life, how can people expect me to introduce new individuals into my life?

How can I love someone else if I can't even love myself?

As I grow older, I feel like I am forgetting how to write and losing my creative self. All I want from 2024 is for me to be me. I have a hard time letting go of things, and I have a hard time accepting things. That is my truth.

I don’t ask 2024 to be easy. What’s the fun in that? I want 2024 to be about me. I want 2024 to be about my friends—the people who stood by me, beared me, encouraged me, and loved me. I want 2024 to be about me and them. 

I am not  trying to let go of my past in 2023; it's a book dear to my heart. And as a friend of mine said, not letting go is beautiful. It means you get to live with emotions longer than others. I agree with him. Not letting go is truly beautiful. 

However, it’s time I put down this book and pick up a new one.
 A bad past doesn't mean a bad future.

~Vidushi Anand

Comments

  1. AnonymousJanuary 4, 2024 at 3:50 PM

    Fantabulous blog 👏🏻 2023 was certainly wild! The year brought me down on my knees only to help me stand taller than ever. Remarkable things happened, the person I am now is shaped by the mosaic of all the traumas, and cheerful events I experienced this year. Bidding goodbye to the year which turned me into the new person I am now. It's time to start reading a new book now : )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. VidushiJanuary 16, 2024 at 11:19 PM

      Glad to hear that, have a great year ahead:))

      Delete
  2. AnonymousJanuary 4, 2024 at 4:55 PM

    ‘When destiny breaks you so much that you cannot bear the pain anymore but you continue to fight then realise that God has planned something very beautiful for you’.

    That time when I was fighting my mental and physical self to clear my entrance exam I didn't think how far I have come from the point I started walking but I just thought that the way I have to walk more so I can reach my destination. Because it isn't worth to think what I was or what I did in the past .

    I still remember the night when I was broken so much that I cried.... Maybe this doesn't sound like a thing which is special but it was very much rare for me because I don't cry on heartbreaks or some things which break me simply. I cried after months and this time in front of my parents. I was feeling like I'm done with the studies abd I can't just do anymore...... Still after my parents said that don't push yourself that you have to pass the exam or something but just stay happy. I still pushed myself enough that I cleared the exam and I am so grateful that I didn't stop.

    Maybe this was the best thing that happened to me in 2023. I lost friendships and got heartbroken numerous times but the simple urge of my heart that said to me that this is all temporary is the most helpful thing that keeps me going.

    Maybe destiny has planned something very much special for me and maybe that's why I got to see 23 changing to 24 on my phone's calender.

    ReplyDelete

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