Scrabbled_scribbles_

Do you get that volatile, gut-wrenching feeling of failing miserably at something you slaved so tirelessly on? It's like a bird endlessly chirping, “You are not good enough.” Do you get that anxious feeling in the middle of a lecture when you can’t understand a topic? It feels as though the entire class is in sync with everything being taught, and you understand nothing. Do you experience that weird sickness while preparing for a test that tells you, “You can’t do this”? It's a sinking and overwhelming feeling of consistently being "not good enough.". What does one name it? Anxiety? Self doubt? Lack of confidence? Loneliness? Loneliness of not being as good as everyone?  We came alone. We’ll go alone. So who cares if we are a little lonely?  Do you have that appalling feeling while being surrounded by people?  Have you ever felt tears running down your face in the middle of class as you realised how much you hate sitting alone?  Have you ever felt a heavy burden on y...

Have you heard this song called This is Me Trying by Taylor Swift ? It’s lyrics I was so ahead of the curve. The curve became a sphere. Fell behind all my classmates. And I ended up here. Currently, I feel I resonate with these lyrics so much. I feel like I have been standing still, and time has been slipping away. I feel like I am stuck in 2023, even though the entire world is moving on to 2024. I feel disoriented and perplexed in this whirlpool of time.  Where did all of my 2023 go?  I'm not sure. I feel I accomplished nothing that year, even though I accomplished so much. I feel unfulfilled. I feel there was more to accomplish in 2023. I still remember December 31, 2022, when I was thinking about all this chemistry, physics, and math. I was excited about how all of this study would be over by December 31st, 2023. Somewhere, I was hoping I could skip that year all together if possible because I knew how difficult this year was going to be. What I would do is go back to that...

  "I laughed, I enjoyed, I cherished, and I felt guilty." Wikipedia defines happiness as a positive and pleasant emotion, ranging from contentment to intense joy. It is a state of well-being and satisfaction that is often accompanied by a sense of fulfilment and inner peace.  We feel "happy" when we are with our loved ones. We feel "happy" when we eat good food. We feel "happy" when we see a cute dog. We feel happy. But what would you call that bittersweet feeling of guilt because of our happiness? This bittersweet feeling has been weighing on my shoulders for too long. The feeling of guilt because I chose to spend my time feeling happy instead of being productive. The feeling of guilt when I bought new clothes because of a void inside me told me I don’t deserve them; I haven’t worked hard for them. Do you have this bittersweet feeling? How can happiness be associated with the polar opposite word? I vividly remember when a friend praised my blog....

  A word once scared me.  Terror took over me every time I tried to utter the word. I felt anxious and nervous if I had to say it. I felt overwhelmed thinking about this word. In retrospect, I don’t think I was ever intimidated by the word. I was intimidated by the people who never missed an opportunity to make me feel small. I was afraid of people belittling me. "What if I say it wrong? What would they think about me? Will they think I am dumb?" I thought thrice before saying the word. I was endlessly thinking of alternate ways of resisting the use of the word rather than facing it. You might say that it was wrong of me. I should have faced this dilemma instead of averting it. I should have practiced. I shouldn't have run from my problems. The 17-year-old Vidushi agrees with you. But the 12-year-old Vidushi does not. Why would she? All the continuous nagging of people around her about being scared of a word. People made her the laughingstock of the group. "Vidushi, ...

Who am I? I like to describe myself as an average human trying to make her way through this deadly game of life.  Yes, I like to see life as a game. No, I am not delusional, just a little imaginative. I don't think being imaginative is the wrong thing.  This “game” of life can be sad, depressing, and tough sometimes. So, is it wrong to sometimes use our imagination to escape this game? I know many would disagree. Many would say that being too imaginative is wrong. We should be real to ourselves. We should learn to adapt to our reality, some twisted imagination won’t help.  I am not one of those people.  Because,  What’s a person without dreams?  On numerous  occasions, I have heard people calling me a “feminist” like it’s a bad thing. People have sent me memes on feminism, people have argued with me over feminism, and over supporting LGBTQ. I am sure that many have called me dumb and stupid behind my back for my words.  Do I ever feel bad? NO. Inf...

  A woman becomes a housewife. “It is her choice,” they said. A man becomes a house husband. “What kind of guy is he? He should earn for his family” they said.  Is this feminism?  A man wearing shorts. “It’s fine,” they said. A woman wearing shorts. “She is characterless,” they said. Is this feminism?  A woman wearing nail paint. “Nice colour,” they said. A man wearing the same shade of nail paint. “He must be gay.” “That’s not masculine,” they said. So, is this feminism?   Over a few years, the definition of feminism has changed for me. Earlier I used to think that feminism is only important for women but it's not.  Feminism is important for men as well. Why?   We live in a patriarchal society.  Patriarchy is not harmful to women alone but to men as well.  Patriarchy puts endless pressure on men to fit a narrow prescription of masculinity, to compete with one another, and to prove their manhood by rejecting their emotions.    How d...

  All my tears have dried, All these years I lied. They say I have changed, How do I explain them, that evolution is a game, I won something, I lost something. Cursing my present, I am trying to ignite my future, attached to my past, I still nurture. Life is unpredictable.  Anything can happen at any moment. You might win a lottery, you might fail a test, you might get the highest score in a test.  You might bump into your nemesis and get in a fight with them.  This uncertainty is truly overwhelming at least for me... It makes my heart flutter, makes me anxious to even think about it.  Do you feel the same? Life is short.  It feels like it was just yesterday that I started school now here I am; It’s my last year in school. It feels terrifying to me to see things go by so fast.  It is tense and challenging for me.  Do you feel the same? Life is strange.  We grow up thinking that fairies and monsters exist. Then we realize yes they exist. They ...