Scrabbled_scribbles_

Back on the dirty brown couch, Where all was soft and sound, I am still sitting there, calm as clouds. In the solitude of quiet crowds, A cool breeze brushing my warm leg, Still there on that rotten bed. People flew it by, Ignoring those loud cries, Of the wise eyes. Fretful like the red on the walls, Still ponder in broken halls, Falling troop, Fallen hope, Drifting away in a fleeting home. I am still there in my fleeting home. Everyone has now moved on. No path is in sight, yet I walk with numerous thoughts in my mind. Blind folded those eyes of hawks. Life is overwhelming again, so I am writing again. Maybe I am overthinking again?  What is overthinking? What is this fleeting feeling that makes my house so dazy and drowned? Overthinking is running circles in a hamster wheel you were never meant to run, an endless and reletless spun. Try to stop? You’d stumble and fall; keep going? You stay lost. I am drowning in thought, what will they say? Why did I say that? Why did they say t...

Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors And smooth-talking hucksters out glad-handing each other And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more" To you, I can admit that I’m just too soft for all of it. I spy with my little tired eye, tiny as a firefly, a pebble that we picked up last July. I remember tired me listening to this song for the first time on my way back home from college. It was just a song—a good song, but just a song. I enjoyed the beginning tunes of the song, but nothing more than that. But then a line caught my beat. A line that made tired Vidushi jump up in her seat. And the voices that implore, " You should be doing more. " It felt like Taylor was pointing to me while writing this very line. It felt like she wrote it for me. All those delusional voices of mine got the validation they desired and craved from this one line. I started waiting for this same lyric to appear every time I listened to this music after that day. Simply put, ...

  My name is Vidushi. It originates from the Sanskrit word "Vidvat" (विद्वत्), meaning "learned" or "scholarly." In other words, "Vidushi" means "learned woman." When your name connotes intelligence, people have certain expectations of you. You yourself have certain expectations of me.  Looking back, I don’t think I was ever an “intelligent” student; rather, I was a diligent one. I studied, even though I never got enough marks to be called “the topper.”.  I was never perfect at anything. I wasn’t the best in studies, I wasn't at all good at sports, I wasn't good at public speaking, and I wasn't a good singer or dancer. I always thought I was solving a math equation—an unsolvable proof. A proof of being Vidushi. I tried every written theorem in the book, but none coincided with my equation. I always felt like I needed to act a certain way, to sound a certain way to fit in, to find those theorems. I think I wasn't searchin...

Do you get that volatile, gut-wrenching feeling of failing miserably at something you slaved so tirelessly on? It's like a bird endlessly chirping, “You are not good enough.” Do you get that anxious feeling in the middle of a lecture when you can’t understand a topic? It feels as though the entire class is in sync with everything being taught, and you understand nothing. Do you experience that weird sickness while preparing for a test that tells you, “You can’t do this”? It's a sinking and overwhelming feeling of consistently being "not good enough.". What does one name it? Anxiety? Self doubt? Lack of confidence? Loneliness? Loneliness of not being as good as everyone?  We came alone. We’ll go alone. So who cares if we are a little lonely?  Do you have that appalling feeling while being surrounded by people?  Have you ever felt tears running down your face in the middle of class as you realised how much you hate sitting alone?  Have you ever felt a heavy burden on y...

Have you heard this song called This is Me Trying by Taylor Swift ? It’s lyrics I was so ahead of the curve. The curve became a sphere. Fell behind all my classmates. And I ended up here. Currently, I feel I resonate with these lyrics so much. I feel like I have been standing still, and time has been slipping away. I feel like I am stuck in 2023, even though the entire world is moving on to 2024. I feel disoriented and perplexed in this whirlpool of time.  Where did all of my 2023 go?  I'm not sure. I feel I accomplished nothing that year, even though I accomplished so much. I feel unfulfilled. I feel there was more to accomplish in 2023. I still remember December 31, 2022, when I was thinking about all this chemistry, physics, and math. I was excited about how all of this study would be over by December 31st, 2023. Somewhere, I was hoping I could skip that year all together if possible because I knew how difficult this year was going to be. What I would do is go back to that...